Frequently Asked Questions

I'm a single parent of the opposite gender of my child. I want to help my child understand the physical changes to expect during adolescence, I feel uncomfortable with the topic, can you help?

Many single parents that are the opposite gender of their child find it difficult to discuss biology and reproduction during puberty. We recommend that these parents find a trusted relative or friend of the same gender that has a good relationship with the child to assist in direction and guidance. Imparting healthy, positive messages regarding physical maturation is enhanced by the comfort level of both adult and child.

What do I do about this aggressive teen-age girl that is "coming-on" to my son?

Many guys feel intense pressure from girls in their peer group. The girls mature faster and have false expectations and ideals about their sexuality from the culture, especially if a lack of parental communication and boundary setting exists in the home. We recommend:

1. Help your son to communicate to her that he is not interested in that kind of a relationship. Encourage honesty and assertiveness in dealing with her advances. Help him define the boundaries around the relationship.

2. If she persists at school or at home, call the girls parents and request a personal meeting to discuss this problem directly. Involve the principal of the school if necessary.

How do I help my child set boundaries around sexual behavior in order to make healthy choices about relationships and understand the benefits of abstinence? What should I do?

If you are a single parent of the opposite gender of your child, you are in an ideal situation to discuss the relational aspects of dating and intimacy. We recommend taking your child on daddy dates or mommy dates to model high standards and respect. These high standards will be a yard stick that your child will forever use to measure their future dates.

For example with girls between ages 11- 13 years: On these memorable occasions, talk to your daughter about what guys think, what it's like to go through puberty, how visually stimulated guys are, etc. Communicate the fact that she is unique and precious and that her sexuality is a wonderful gift you hope she does not give to uncommitted immature relationships. Many dads will give a chastity ring to their daughters to represent the gift of sexuality to be given to her future husband on her wedding day. Dads can encourage their daughters to make a promise when they receive the ring to save themselves for that one special person who is willing to commit fully to her.

For example with guys between ages of 12 - 14 years: Mommy dates can include sporting events or other activities interesting to your son. Communicate the appropriateness of locations and need to maintain boundaries that avoid "romantic" situations. Tell your son about his precious sexuality and that you hope he saves that gift for a committed mature relationship like marriage. Moms can also give a special ring or necklace to serve as a symbol of his sexuality best given in a marriage relationship. Discuss the needs of women, and the false perceptions of how media portrays women as objects. Let him know that if a woman dresses seductively on dates she may not understand appropriate ways to achieve respect. Set expectations with your son around standards for himself that encourage respect of sexuality and modesty for men and women alike.

Single parents must understand the importance of leading by example. If you want to encourage sexual abstinence until marriage for your children, you must also model that behavior yourself. Multiple sexual partners in your home is not healthy for you or your child and serves to put your child at more risk for multiple partners and uncommitted relationships. Research also indicates that the risk for sexual abuse increases when the child is exposed to their parent's adult sexual partners in the home that are not related or committed to the family or parent. Sexual abuse increases risk of both disease transmission and teen pregnancy.

Single parents can provide appropriate adult role models for their children by trusted adults of the opposite sex. Faith communities, churches, and synagogues offer the opportunity to experience appropriate models of both genders for children in single parent families. 

But abstinence until marriage is unrealistic. Aren't you ignoring the reality of premarital sex?

One twelve year old girl approached a speaker after an abstinence presentation. She was upset about the recent break-up of a relationship with an older boy. She said she had sex with the boy for over a year, and was experiencing emotional pain from the break-up. The speaker asked her if her mother had talked to her about sexuality. The girl responded by saying "Yes, she told me to wait until I was really in love and he was really special."

Based on her experiences, this twelve year old girl followed her mothers advice. While we are well aware of the fact some people will not remain chaste until marriage, marriage provides a concrete ideal for children to work toward and provides time for them to develop fully, until as adults they have the ability to make sound and healthy choices about love and relationships. We know that behavior will fall somewhere slightly below the standard. The ideal of abstinence until marriage sets expectations that will raise the level of behavior for society. We do a disservice to teens by withholding ideals because some people can't, don't or won't get married.

But homosexuals can't or don't get married. Aren't you discriminating against this population by promoting abstinence until marriage?

Currently, no consensus exists in our society regarding homosexuality. Many problems need to be addressed for this population and teachers must be concerned with the needs of all students. The FRIENDS FIRST program is about developing healthy relationship skills such as respect, self-control, honesty, and integrity. These skills are the foundations of abstinence and are the building blocks for all healthy human relationships . Heterosexual relationships are the primary cause of out-of-wedlock births and teen pregnancy, therefore any successful teen pregnancy prevention effort needs to address heterosexual relationships.

Other services and programs exist to deal with the specific needs of homosexual populations. All students are welcome to participate in FRIENDS FIRST activities because we emphasize quality friendships and relationships that avoid risky behavior.

By teaching abstinence, aren't you ignoring the need for education about contraceptives for those teens who are sexually active?

  Prevention efforts can be categorized into three levels:

• Primary- The focus of root causes of the epidemic
• Secondary- Moving sexually active teens out of sexual behavior whenever possible, and
• Tertiary- or the last line of defense of risk reduction- providing temporary risk reductive measures.

FRIENDS FIRST is a primary prevention strategy. Discussion regarding information about birth control is utilized in secondary and tertiary efforts. It is our recommendation that when birth control is discussed at these other levels that it meet the following criteria:

1. Should be presented in the public schools in a context of marriage and family to encourage committed relationships.
2. Secondary and tertiary prevention should be conducted one-on-one using full disclosure of contraceptive failure rates within a medical cessation model for sexually active teens and providing the ideal of abstinence until marriage, and fidelity within marriage as the only truly safe sex.
3. Factors such as adult teen relationships and past sexual abuse should not be blindly condoned by irresponsibly distributing contraceptives with the message of "just use a condom or make sure you're protected."

The question is not "if", but when, how and by whom. Adults have the responsibility to tell teens the truth. Condoms are not fool proof and do not always provide adequate risk reduction for diseases spread by skin-to-skin contact such as Human Papilloma Virus, Herpes or Syphllis. Multiple partners are the primary risk factor spreading disease. If teens make other choices, they will be responsible for the consequences. We must be ethical in our response to the younger generation, and not perpetuate unhealthy, uncommitted adult or teen sexual relationships.